So I cannot believe that its been over a full year since Ive actually posted something. I have been keeping a "computer" diary during this lag but of course I have not published a thing.
During this year a plethora of amazing things & not so amazing things have happend in our lives. First thing is that I was offered a job at a local (non-skeezy) car dealership...in their office. This is the first job that Ive had post-partum and boy was I ready to goooo!! It has become something that I look forward to doing each day...and to say it was a life saver is the understatement of the year.
I have struggled so much with post-partum stuff that it was starting to take over my life.. It was a daily struggle to just SMILE! My life is NOT that terrible...I have an amazing support system in place that should be enough for anyone. But sometimes in life depression takes over and completely shuts that system out! Which is what happend to me. It is not something that I ever shied away from talking about. It is such a big part of my life that how could I? I was clinically diagnosed with post-partum depression and a mild case of PTSD. Yes PTSD...holy crap. No I am not a veteran of any "violent war" but I am a NICU Vet. And yes that is a real thing. So dont roll your eyes. :) Each and every day I shut out the real world and entered through the automatic doors of pure hell. I watched as my son, a fragile little bean fight with every fiber of his young & tiny being for his life. It was PURE HELL...and that it putting it lightly. And my DH and I would just sit and helplessly watch this every.single.day. And then as soon as he was placed in the NICU we were being ushered out in a mini processional of sorts out the front door and on the road home. Literally.
The bubble burst...
And it all hit me like a ton of bricks...
And now...almost 3 years later we have achieved some sort of normalcy... We moved into a new (BIG!) house that we are hoping to purchase in the near future. But for now we are enjoying the massive space & filling it with laughter and love.
Ive started taking my physical health way more seriously... Eating right, exercising on a regular basis. I find myself in such a great mood after the day is done its pretty impressive.. but that will be for another day...another post.
Keep Smiling!!
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Sunday, March 25, 2012
keep calm...and call your mom
So its been a few days...okay weeks. But after a bought of sickness (colds, RSV, flu), a surgery & enjoying the gorgeous pre-summer summer weather I set this on the back burner...hey a moms gotta live!!
So, Ive been laid up for the past few weeks...surgery sucks. I don't care who you are or what you're having done, anytime you have to "go under" its rough. Especially if you have an 18 month old who recently learned to say "momma" for reasons OTHER then needing something & just wanting to be held. It was a relatively hard decision to make, but we decided to have my tubes tied. I had an excruciatingly difficult pregnancy, and after over 5 specialist visits, we decided it was the best thing to do. I had pre-eclampsia at week 18 of my pregnancy, its common in week 30. I have one son and I'm only 28- so it was emotionally hard choice. But I love my life, my son, my husband and oh my life...and after hearing I had a 50/50 chance of surviving another pregnancy I figured it was time to make the right choice for US. So three mondays ago I went under...and boy did I go under. I had the most amazing dream....I lived on a deserted island alone, with unlimited popcorn & lemon ice water...& then I was in recovery with a nurse yelling at me to wake up...weird. Isnt there a nice code or something? Like "hey I feel bad that you just had the best dream of your life so Ill let you sleep a little long" code?? No? Hmm I must be mistaken....
And I found out just how AWESOME my sister & mother are. They came over every single night to clean my house, bathe Tootles, walk my furbaby, vaccumm, do my dishes...my mother even cleaned my kitchen floor on her hands and knees..... How do you pay that back?? It is amazing the amount of love family can have for each other.
And you can discount friends who are on their way to becoming family- my newest & dearest friend R was nothing short of spectacular...even bringing me a little pamper me gift & homemade cookies. She didnt even care that I wasnt showered or the fact that I had no bra on. What a doll!! Im sure it was freaky & I was a hot sticky mess but she was here for me, braless and all. And for that I love her!
People ARE good. I truly believe that and I hope that everyone has at least ONE genuine person in their life.
sappy enough??!!??
So my sister, the Occupational Therapist, the amazing auntie, the teacher of inappropriate things has taught my son how to wag his tail or "shake his tail feathers" and how to "jersey turnpike"...and boy does he LOVE to do those things. He will be playing trucks and then bend over, touch his feet and pump his butt up and down- I forsee bad dance moves in his future. And his newest favorite thing has become tantrums. He just loves them. Any chance he gets he just throws one. In front of family, strangers, just me, or sometimes by himself. There is no limit to his creativity when it comes to his tantrums. My favorite one has to be the time (two nights ago) he decided that 10 pm was too early to go to sleep. So he proceeded to throw all of his toys around the living room and walk between my sister and I smacking us in the legs & if he could reach-faces. It was a great time had by all...it was better then the circus & we had front row seats!!
So, Ive been laid up for the past few weeks...surgery sucks. I don't care who you are or what you're having done, anytime you have to "go under" its rough. Especially if you have an 18 month old who recently learned to say "momma" for reasons OTHER then needing something & just wanting to be held. It was a relatively hard decision to make, but we decided to have my tubes tied. I had an excruciatingly difficult pregnancy, and after over 5 specialist visits, we decided it was the best thing to do. I had pre-eclampsia at week 18 of my pregnancy, its common in week 30. I have one son and I'm only 28- so it was emotionally hard choice. But I love my life, my son, my husband and oh my life...and after hearing I had a 50/50 chance of surviving another pregnancy I figured it was time to make the right choice for US. So three mondays ago I went under...and boy did I go under. I had the most amazing dream....I lived on a deserted island alone, with unlimited popcorn & lemon ice water...& then I was in recovery with a nurse yelling at me to wake up...weird. Isnt there a nice code or something? Like "hey I feel bad that you just had the best dream of your life so Ill let you sleep a little long" code?? No? Hmm I must be mistaken....
And I found out just how AWESOME my sister & mother are. They came over every single night to clean my house, bathe Tootles, walk my furbaby, vaccumm, do my dishes...my mother even cleaned my kitchen floor on her hands and knees..... How do you pay that back?? It is amazing the amount of love family can have for each other.
And you can discount friends who are on their way to becoming family- my newest & dearest friend R was nothing short of spectacular...even bringing me a little pamper me gift & homemade cookies. She didnt even care that I wasnt showered or the fact that I had no bra on. What a doll!! Im sure it was freaky & I was a hot sticky mess but she was here for me, braless and all. And for that I love her!
People ARE good. I truly believe that and I hope that everyone has at least ONE genuine person in their life.
sappy enough??!!??
So my sister, the Occupational Therapist, the amazing auntie, the teacher of inappropriate things has taught my son how to wag his tail or "shake his tail feathers" and how to "jersey turnpike"...and boy does he LOVE to do those things. He will be playing trucks and then bend over, touch his feet and pump his butt up and down- I forsee bad dance moves in his future. And his newest favorite thing has become tantrums. He just loves them. Any chance he gets he just throws one. In front of family, strangers, just me, or sometimes by himself. There is no limit to his creativity when it comes to his tantrums. My favorite one has to be the time (two nights ago) he decided that 10 pm was too early to go to sleep. So he proceeded to throw all of his toys around the living room and walk between my sister and I smacking us in the legs & if he could reach-faces. It was a great time had by all...it was better then the circus & we had front row seats!!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
$1300 x 10 = Why did we go through it again....
So for 10 months out the 18 Tootles has been alive we (DH, myself & his amazing pedi) have been putting him through pure torture of monthly Synagis shots. These shots are to prevent RSV in preemies (not to mention $1300.00 per shot!!), its preventative not a complete vaccine. As proven this weekend. After our 10th and FINAL synagis shot Tootles started to show signs of a cold (the same symptoms of RSV)....I gave it until Monday before I panicked. Ok I lie.... I started panicking after the first chorus of coughing. So first thing Monday morning I call the dr. and a perk (ok perk isnt a great word to use but its all my illness stricken mind came up with.) of having a preemie is that I always get same day appointments, usually within the hour that I call. AND if a legit sick visit, we usually get a room upon entering the office. So we were able to get in, and as soon as our Super-Pedi listened to his little lungs, she immediately started a nebulizer treatment, and ordered a RSV test. That just sunk my heart....I felt so discouraged and helpless. This may seem a little dramatic- and you can think what you want...but its exactly how I felt. For 18 months, Ive excised myself, DH & Tootles from the world. I only (try to at least!) bring him to the store on Monday mornings, when there are like 4 people in there, and Ive cancelled (or not even scheduled) play dates in order to keep us healthy.
So needless to say it all went awry on Monday when the pedi called back with a big fat positive on the RSV. So we do our breathing treatments and Tootles has been in great spirits. BUT tonight he took a turn...to the dark side. He literally screamed his head off for 2 straight hours. I mean this kid has a running nose, a cough like no other & Im sure a sore throat- but scream he did! I started crying. I cry over everything yes, but this was a different kind of cry. I felt so defeated. I couldnt do anything to make this hurt go away for him. and I think this HAS to be the worst feeling for a parent. The helplessness that overcame me was out of this world. I love Tootles so much ( as everyparent should) and to see him already go through so much as a newborn/infant/child has taken me to my breaking point. This was just the cherry on my not so sweet sundae.
So heres hoping for a speedy recovery & a sunnier day tomorrow!
So needless to say it all went awry on Monday when the pedi called back with a big fat positive on the RSV. So we do our breathing treatments and Tootles has been in great spirits. BUT tonight he took a turn...to the dark side. He literally screamed his head off for 2 straight hours. I mean this kid has a running nose, a cough like no other & Im sure a sore throat- but scream he did! I started crying. I cry over everything yes, but this was a different kind of cry. I felt so defeated. I couldnt do anything to make this hurt go away for him. and I think this HAS to be the worst feeling for a parent. The helplessness that overcame me was out of this world. I love Tootles so much ( as everyparent should) and to see him already go through so much as a newborn/infant/child has taken me to my breaking point. This was just the cherry on my not so sweet sundae.
So heres hoping for a speedy recovery & a sunnier day tomorrow!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Donald, Close, Balloon
So Monday we had Tootles 18 month check up. And they had to repeat the 12 month test, because of his early arrival we have some difficulties to overcome. So far the only thing that is standing in our way is speech. So of course at the appointment I went on and on to the doctor how Tootles isnt saying anything but "daddy" (go figure!), googy (doggy), downe (a mix between down and done) and woof. And because I am a neurotic, I was panicking. Wellll naturally because all parents are liars, as soon as we got home Tootles started saying words. And lots of them. Hes saying cat, dog (apparently he had an epiphany with the letter d), close, Donald (donald duck of course) dall (ball...again with the d) and balloon. Hes killing me. I am OVER THE MOON proud that he is saying words...but Ill be damned. At home, with no medical professional (who will deem him SMARTER THEN THE AVERAGE PREEMIE) in sight. Luckily we have another go- around with our favorite pediatrician tomorrow for his last synagis shot. And heres hoping hes just chatting it up.
Anyway...the DH & I have been on the craziest crazy train ride with Tootles. He is totally out of control. The word NO is his kryptonite. Holy moly. I swear he hears it, and switch flips in the little head of his and he goes CRAZAY... like screaming like a banchee, throwing everything he can get his chubby hands on, and hitting. Oh the hitting. The other day he hit my mom in the face with a glow worm. You know those loveable little creatures that had a face that glowed ever so softly to help you fall asleep as a child. Well my beast uses that thing as a lethal weapon. yikes. Im sure fisher price would be really proud. So we try to divert instead of saying NO. It sounds like a lot of work...and it is. But its worth the crazy breakdowns every time he hits our poor little (giant) dog in the head with the swiffer.
Im hoping to jump of this runaway train anytime soon...because there is no Genevieve on here singing her hip hop tunes.
Anyway...the DH & I have been on the craziest crazy train ride with Tootles. He is totally out of control. The word NO is his kryptonite. Holy moly. I swear he hears it, and switch flips in the little head of his and he goes CRAZAY... like screaming like a banchee, throwing everything he can get his chubby hands on, and hitting. Oh the hitting. The other day he hit my mom in the face with a glow worm. You know those loveable little creatures that had a face that glowed ever so softly to help you fall asleep as a child. Well my beast uses that thing as a lethal weapon. yikes. Im sure fisher price would be really proud. So we try to divert instead of saying NO. It sounds like a lot of work...and it is. But its worth the crazy breakdowns every time he hits our poor little (giant) dog in the head with the swiffer.
Im hoping to jump of this runaway train anytime soon...because there is no Genevieve on here singing her hip hop tunes.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Define Work, por favor
The stereotype of a stay at home mom is what I like to call the "Real Housewives Effect". Don't get me wrong I LOVE that show, I LIVE to watch it and at times I'm actually JEALOUS of their amazing tans, fantastic physiques, huge bank accounts & even the lack of "housewiving" they do. I am tempted to re-create that show but in a true REALITY form. Sure you can follow me around all day while I change diapers, clean up spilled people food & dog food in the finest couture of yoga pants/t-shirts and even on occasion pajamas. Sometimes I look at the "dress clothes" section of my closet and think, "Jeeze will Tootles think I look amazing in this outfit while changing his diaper?" and then I go to the "comfy" section pull out a cute t-shirt and black (always black) yoga pants....and begin my day. I hold my pony tailed head high as I cut Tootles apples & flip his eggies. I wear so many hats in one day sometimes I feel like Medusa, with all of her snakes. I am an alarm clock, cook, maid, repair lady, event planner, personal shopper, a doctor, a tissue, referee (yes I have one child...but I do have a furbaby who sometimes doubles as a punching bag) and sometimes the only rider on the crazy train conducted by Toots himself.
bottom line is I.DO.WORK. Stay at home moms say it with me: I DO WORK!!! One more time for the people in the back: I DO WORK!!
I do...it seems like such a crazy concept but its real. Contrary to popular belief I dont sit at home watching soaps (okay okay I do watch Days of our Lives- but its during nap!) and eat bon-bons while my son wrecks the house, nor do I ALWAYS have the time to “do favors” or host play dates, though we do love the occasional visitor!!. My time is as precious as a mom who leaves the house to work. I am up at 5 am most mornings and in bed at midnight most nights. And each minute I do have is so precious to me. Please don’t get me wrong- I love being a mom, and I love my son more then life itself.
Take heed fellow mommies/wives/....lets be considerate of one another. Because moms, even though we are not a rare breed, we need to be on the same team!!
END RANT!
ps...I totally wrote this while watching RHofOC oh the irony!
**sorry for the craziness of this ditty- no funnies, all truths**
bottom line is I.DO.WORK. Stay at home moms say it with me: I DO WORK!!! One more time for the people in the back: I DO WORK!!
I do...it seems like such a crazy concept but its real. Contrary to popular belief I dont sit at home watching soaps (okay okay I do watch Days of our Lives- but its during nap!) and eat bon-bons while my son wrecks the house, nor do I ALWAYS have the time to “do favors” or host play dates, though we do love the occasional visitor!!. My time is as precious as a mom who leaves the house to work. I am up at 5 am most mornings and in bed at midnight most nights. And each minute I do have is so precious to me. Please don’t get me wrong- I love being a mom, and I love my son more then life itself.
Take heed fellow mommies/wives/....lets be considerate of one another. Because moms, even though we are not a rare breed, we need to be on the same team!!
END RANT!
ps...I totally wrote this while watching RHofOC oh the irony!
**sorry for the craziness of this ditty- no funnies, all truths**
Monday, February 27, 2012
Preemie? What Preemie?
Lets back up a little...to the middle! :)
Our son was 10 weeks early...yep, a whole 10 weeks. He just couldn't wait to get out into this big crazy world to start experiencing it on his own. I think he was sick of being carried around.
So, out he came...all 2 lbs 12 oz & 17 inches of him. And he was CUTE!! Even all hooked up he was cute.
During our NICU stay-62 days to be exact- we experienced alot of highs & just as many lows. But we made it through, slightly unscathed. We met some amazing people and developed great friendships that are still intact today. There is something to be said about people bonding during a crisis. There are amazingly supportive & loving "strangers" out there. And they become friends...that eventually become family.
He was finally able to come home on 2 days after his 2nd month "birthday". We came home with a little extra baggage- and I dont mean my SUPER FAB green (fake) snake skin diaper bag...I'm talking oxygen & apnea/heart monitor baggage. It was quite the adjustment. New parents thrown into parenthood the scariest way ever. But (luckily??) I know so many people who were in my situation, (preemie, NICU, lots of doctors, etc) that it helped us ALOT!
but I digress...
Today was his 18 month (happy birthday baby!!) check up. He came home at 4 lbs 4 oz...he is weighing in at 24 lbs 4 oz. And he is measuring at his real age, and above average at his adjusted age. And this made my heart burst! For 18 months we have been working diligently with him to help him "catch up" to his real age. Im not rushing him through life, Im just trying to make it a little easier for when hes ready for school.
I am so proud of my little Tootles, he makes it easy to be a mom. Im always proud of him, maybe not when hes having a hissy fit, but even then maybe you can catch a little (proud) smile on my face!
Our son was 10 weeks early...yep, a whole 10 weeks. He just couldn't wait to get out into this big crazy world to start experiencing it on his own. I think he was sick of being carried around.
So, out he came...all 2 lbs 12 oz & 17 inches of him. And he was CUTE!! Even all hooked up he was cute.
 | |
| See I wasnt lying!!! :) |
During our NICU stay-62 days to be exact- we experienced alot of highs & just as many lows. But we made it through, slightly unscathed. We met some amazing people and developed great friendships that are still intact today. There is something to be said about people bonding during a crisis. There are amazingly supportive & loving "strangers" out there. And they become friends...that eventually become family.
He was finally able to come home on 2 days after his 2nd month "birthday". We came home with a little extra baggage- and I dont mean my SUPER FAB green (fake) snake skin diaper bag...I'm talking oxygen & apnea/heart monitor baggage. It was quite the adjustment. New parents thrown into parenthood the scariest way ever. But (luckily??) I know so many people who were in my situation, (preemie, NICU, lots of doctors, etc) that it helped us ALOT!
but I digress...
 |
| Happy 18 Months my little babycakes!! |
Today was his 18 month (happy birthday baby!!) check up. He came home at 4 lbs 4 oz...he is weighing in at 24 lbs 4 oz. And he is measuring at his real age, and above average at his adjusted age. And this made my heart burst! For 18 months we have been working diligently with him to help him "catch up" to his real age. Im not rushing him through life, Im just trying to make it a little easier for when hes ready for school.
I am so proud of my little Tootles, he makes it easy to be a mom. Im always proud of him, maybe not when hes having a hissy fit, but even then maybe you can catch a little (proud) smile on my face!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Holy Lazy Batman!
So I was inspired to restart my musings for two reasons:
1. My very good friend (dare I say amazhzing?) Rachel- who took a leap and started hers again!
and
2. My son Tootles is hysterical and I definitely need to be sharing his funnies!
Tomorrow he turns 18 months. Tomorrow I lose my mind.
For the last few days he has been a crazy wreck. Like trantrum throwing, wild screaming, up all night, crazy wreck. Im not sure, I mean Im no doctor but Im sure we are entering (cue scary music) the TERRIBLE TWOS!!
So those of you who know my son (and those who dont!) he is pretty mild natured and good mannered. Not the "throw myself on the floor because I have a bad case of I-WANTS" kind of boy. But it happend. To us. In a store. And we (my hubs & I) had two older men come up to us and say..."Oh Well this is where the noise is coming from"...as if we were a hidden music box. C'mon people pull yourself together.
Because at some point we were all that child. Throwing a tantrum. In front of our parents & others.
& I just noticed that I did not even touch the subject of my laziness/or any background....I guess I will keep the suspense building!
1. My very good friend (dare I say amazhzing?) Rachel- who took a leap and started hers again!
and
2. My son Tootles is hysterical and I definitely need to be sharing his funnies!
Tomorrow he turns 18 months. Tomorrow I lose my mind.
For the last few days he has been a crazy wreck. Like trantrum throwing, wild screaming, up all night, crazy wreck. Im not sure, I mean Im no doctor but Im sure we are entering (cue scary music) the TERRIBLE TWOS!!
So those of you who know my son (and those who dont!) he is pretty mild natured and good mannered. Not the "throw myself on the floor because I have a bad case of I-WANTS" kind of boy. But it happend. To us. In a store. And we (my hubs & I) had two older men come up to us and say..."Oh Well this is where the noise is coming from"...as if we were a hidden music box. C'mon people pull yourself together.
Because at some point we were all that child. Throwing a tantrum. In front of our parents & others.
& I just noticed that I did not even touch the subject of my laziness/or any background....I guess I will keep the suspense building!
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